a new era is beginning

SEPTEMBER 6, 2022

Change used to be the BAAAAAANEEE of my existence, but I think I’ve actually changed. I recently realized that I’m kind of a beast in the face of chaos?… whether that’s in a good way or bad way is tbd. But what would once send me into an emotional tailspin, now brings out this sort of take-charge, energizer superhero, problem-solver in me. 

Some context:

Last week my housemates and I got word that the owner of the property we’d been living in for the past 5 years wants to move back in, and we’d have an impossibly short amount of time to find a new home, gather our things, and leave. Normally, this would trigger a breakdown/depressive episode for me. My home is what lays the foundation for my emotional wellbeing. Knowing subconsciously that I have a safe place to stay makes me feel secure, which in turn keeps a lot of potential stress at bay. Even though I’m a pretty level-headed, logical person in the face of everyday situations, MOVING has always brought out a different side of me. However, this time it’s different. Was I mad at the callous landlord for kicking us out? (I’M AWARE IT’S HIS HOUSE, BUT HES ALSO BEING A DICK) Yes. But there was also something exciting in the air.

A new era is beginning.

And maybe I feel this way because my entire life at the moment is also moving at lightning speed, so I’ve gotten used to pivoting and staying light-footed through it all. Taking nothing too personally, holding nothing too tightly.

But acknowledging that my relationship with change has evolved is important. It’s a sign of growth.

I’m not viewing change as a tragic ending, or getting swept up in negative and overwhelming thought loops like I used to. I’m seeing unlimited and exhilarating potential. There are also times I feel as though I’m having a low grade anxiety attack :) but then I attack whatever is causing the anxiety head on. (This is where my behavior can still get a little iffy)

I think I felt so fearful of change before because I hadn’t had much experience with letting go. I’ve never had someone super close to me pass. My parents are still together. I’ve lived a fairly charmed life. I hadn’t come across many opportunities to practice letting go of something I loved. I think the universe could tell I needed some.

Enter 2020/2021: A pandemic ceases the world from (dysfunctionally) operating as we were accustomed to, a very close friendship of mine ended horribly, I got dropped from a publishing label, and I got broken up with. All things I didn’t want to part with, forcing me to let go. And guess what? It didn’t kill me. In fact, all of those losses were replaced by even bigger, more satisfying wins. I truly have not felt this uninhibited to be myself and, more importantly, choose myself than I do today. I understand that change can be painful, but it also brings along with it a story of resilience and a roar of fresh air.

So, dear soon-to-be old landlord,

Thank you for being so uncompromising and kicking us out of that house on such abrupt notice. It kickstarted a new chapter for me that I am very excited to live out… and we already found a new house so

BYEEEEEEE.

summer is reckless, just like me

july 20, 2022

Hello my friends!

These past few months I’ve been neck deep in a project that is not only filling my soul, but fulfilling a prophecy on my life (self proclaimed, of course),

But more on that later…

Right now, the energy is frenetic, the vibe is aesthetic, and we’re unapologetic, okaaaayy?!?

It is SUMMER, my favorite season of the year, and I am currently soaking up all the dry, 90 degree weather that Los Angeles has to offer by sitting inside my bedroom with the a/c on and my windows open lol. There’s something so freeing about summer. The air is warm enough to be your clothing, the 8:30 sunsets remind me of aperol spritz’s, and responsibilities feel like they barely exist. There is a feeling of adventure and recklessness in the atmosphere that is very aligned with who I am as a person. Also I don’t work a 9-5 soooo, I’m basically a child. 

However, since it is mid July, the pesky thought of summer almost being over haunts me daily. Why do the things we love most have to go away? I have no intention of moving closer to the equator to achieve year round summers; my plight more so lies in the fact that I feel like everything I enjoy doesn’t last long enough. Nights out at underground discos, matchas from Maru, time spent in PA with my family, ice cream cones and firework shows, dates that go well, back scratches and being held, the list goes on. I want to live in these moments and never leave, but, like the seasons, everything changes.

So to combat this, I’m trying to stay present in this moment as best as I can. Take it in for all that it is and hold the memories forever. Because summer isn’t over (yet) and there’s more spontaneity to experience! Wheeeeeee!

P.S. hit me up if you’re trying to wring out every last drop of summer like me :)

the anxiety of ambition

april 28, 2022

It’s 6am on a Thursday and I can’t sleep.

I probably fell asleep around 12:30am and I typically get about eight to nine hours before my body re-enters the waking world, so this this not normally a time I’d be coherent. But about 30 minutes ago, my brain decided that I am a complete and utter failure, sooo now I’m up for the day! ◡̈ 

Who knows why our brains show us images that evoke negative thoughts and feelings, seems pretty rude to me. Alas, here I am, 6am, wide awake, questioning whether I’ve ever made a good decision in my life. To any one else’s standards, I’m doing just fine. (Maybe my mom worries i don’t make enough money, but I’m a fucking songwriter, so 🤷🏻‍♀️)

However, from my point of view, I only see the gap between where I am and where I want to be. Depending on the day, that gap is can be the size of an intense hopscotch game or a football field. Manageable. But then sometimes, like right now, it’s as large as the distance from here to Jupiter… and that hurts. Being slapped in the face with all of the choices that brought me here. Should I have stayed at the studio a bit longer that one time? Was I not prepared enough and missed an opportunity? Am I even any good at this? My brain is searching for an answer as to why that gap still exists at all and I’m the one to blame. 

I’ve always been an ambitious person. In school I did so many extra curriculars, was in all honors classes, and filled up nights and weekends with dance and singing lessons. I knew who I wanted to be, I knew where I wanted to go, and that required a lot from me. There were nights back then I’d lie awake until three in the morning feeling the weight of my dreams crushing down upon my chest. My mind stuck in a fantasy land I feared I’d never see. I lie here now, having seen some of those dreams become reality and feel it still. 

I just finished talking to a friend about this feeling (they wake up early too, probably for similar reasons) and they reminded me that you can’t BE a failure. It’s not a characteristic, it’s an action. And if you do fail, whether that be at a job or you fail yourself, you just learned one way how to not to do something. All you have to do is keep moving forward. Notice the changes in the wind. Try new directions. Give it your absolute all. 

With that being said, i just have one question…

At what point does ambition turn from positively motivating to insidiously? 

I literally don’t have an answer. I’m in the thick of it. 

luxury darling, luxury

april 18, 2022

(I know I’m about to sound like a motivational speaker, but I can’t help it.)

Some people say that you need to get out of your comfort zone. I say you actually need to get INNNN to you comfort zone. 

“But Jordan, your comfort zone is when you’re stagnant and unsatisfied, but still making excuses to stay in the same place.” 

No it’s not. The definition of ‘comfort zone’ is actually the level at which one functions with ease and familiarity. Ease, who’s synonyms are peace, calmness, and luxury darling, luxury. WHO DOESN’T WANT THAT?! Your comfort zone is where your needs are met and you can thrive. Your comfort zone is a place where decisions are made without anxiety.  Money can be comfort. Stable relationships can be comfort. Traveling the world can be comfort. Ultimately, living the life you desire is comfort. The comfort zone most people talk about not wanting to be in is actually what I would call SETTLING and thatttt is very uncomfortable.

Now, I’m not saying we should avoid any and all uncomfortable scenarios. That’s impossible. Discomfort is inevitable in life whether it comes in the form of awkward situations or periods of struggle. The point is to not stay there. There is a phrase that goes something like, “if you find yourself in a hole, don’t decorate”. If we continue moving forward through those uneasy times rather than convincing ourselves the relationship we’re in is okay because we just can’t bear to start dating again, or that the dream of being a successful music artist is too unrealistic to go for, then we will find that the outcome of listening to ourselves brings the deepest comfort of all. 

Self-trust.

Self-trust is when you are constantly true to yourself. Treating yourself with love and compassion, giving yourself space to feel what you feel, want what you want, and meet your emotional and physical needs. It’s crucial to being able to create the life we desire. And self-trust does not come from settling. It’s cultivated in trying and failing and trying again, all the while knowing we are listening to and honoring what our inner voices need.

The comfort that many claim is holding them back from doing what they really want to do is not actually comfortable. It’s filled with regretful what ifs and anxiety. So what if we let ourselves get reeeeeally comfortable (aka luxurious) and go for exactly what we want?!?!?… What would happen?

once you dgaf, you’ll never go back

MARCH 29, 2022

She’s so boring. She’s so annoying. She’ll never make it. Who does she think she is? She’s ugly. She’s fat. Why is she wearing that? 

Raise you hand if you have ever said any of these things about me…

I would bet that 90% of you have never uttered nor thought these words, so, why have I been so terrified of them? If I were to pinpoint where these insecurities came from, they would probably stem back to where all insecurities begin, middle school. You’re awkward, you’re learning about power dynamics, and kids are just fucking mean. I sat inside my house many Friday nights waiting for a text from any one of my “friends” to invite me to hang out. I walked down hallways and had people shout harmful and embarrassing things to me. I knew what was happening, I was being bullied; shunned by my classmates for reasons I couldn’t understand, and I didn’t like how it felt. I recognized that I was not being treated like most of the other kids and built up an aversion to being anything that was different. Just try to fit in and be like everyone else. Think the same things, say the same things, do the same things, and there won’t be anything to pick on you for. 

Then I moved to Los Angeles.

The rules changed. Everything was seemingly the opposite. Praise was given to those who pushed the needle, wore something that stood out or said something that no one else has said. The individualist was rewarded for their creativity. How exciting! However, I had gotten used to fitting in. So much so, that I had no idea how to be myself, or who I was for that matter.  I experienced the same fear of being rejected, but for the exact opposite reason as I had growing up.  I still so desperately wanted to be liked. I would tell myself, stand out just enough to be noticed, but not so much you’ll be ridiculed. Tell people that you make music, but don’t tell them you want to be a star. Create that music, but also make sure it’s accessible and relatable enough to everyone. It was always about other people’s opinions. So….. where did that leave me? 

For an artist, like myself, not knowing who you are or being too afraid to find out is absolutely an Achilles heel that will only ever hold you back. This realization was the moment I replaced those Achilles’ for some Steve Madden, cheetah print stilettos. And honestly, I’ve never looked back. I’ve realized that the only person’s opinion of me that matters is my own. Can I look myself in the mirror and say “YAS BITCH!”? If so, then I rock with it. Can I lay my head down at night knowing I spoke my truth and held my boundaries? If so, I will sleep like a newborn baby. Can I listen back to a song and feel moved by every part of it? If so, then I will be excited to share that feeling with the world. I love the phrase “what other people think about you is none of your business,”  because it’s so true. Whatever someone else thinks of you says a lot more about them and their judgements than it does about who you are as a person. So keep rockin’ what you’ve got. And if you’re a bit afraid to be bold and go against the grain, just know, I like you because you’re you.

WOMEN. MUSIC. AGEISM.

MARCH 15, 2022

I’ve seen quite a few posts and articles on this subject matter recently and, it is with a bit of shame that I admit, I have absolutely lied about my age in order to “get ahead”. Shave a few years off here, you’ll sound more impressive. Tell them you moved here 4 years ago instead of 6, they’ll think you’re fresher meat. 

You know what I think it is? I think when people hear 18-24 they think “oh! they’re young, green, able to be manipulated,” and yea, they’d be right. I signed my first production deal at 20 years old and was taken complete advantage of, yet had no clue. It wasn’t until a full album was released under my name, with visuals I didn’t approve of, and songs I wish never saw the light of day, that I knew I was being screwed. But when someone said they wanted to sign me I was blinded by the thought of my dreams coming true. Thankfully this situation didn’t deter me from continuing to pursue a career in music. 

In the years to follow, I found myself touring the world with international popstars, writing songs for wildly popular tv shows, and releasing music on my own terms. Things I’m insanely proud of and have learned a lot from. However, when I was introduced to quite a well-known songwriter a short time ago, I was faced with an ugly truth. I had heard of conversations like this occurring from other people, and it had finally made it’s way to me… They asked me how long I had lived in Los Angeles and I didn’t lie. They guesstimated my age based off of that number and I said yes. They then proceeded to tell me that I should never tell anyone in the industry that information again. That I should lie, make up a different story so that others think I’m younger. 19, 20, 21 MAX, if I ever wanted to sign another deal. Never mind my talent, never mind my story or the perspective I have to offer, and never mind the business skills I had learned since that first production deal. Based on age alone, according to them, it was over for me. Unfortunately, for them, I am quite a defiant person.  

Ageism is definitely real in the entertainment industry, but it doesn’t have to continue on as truth or tradition. We can defy the nay-sayers, the age-guessers, the cynical and own our truths. The REAL truth. And that truth is that time doesn’t stop for anyone. We are all another day older every day. And that’s not a bad thing! The older you get, the more you’ve seen, the more interesting you are! Your age does not stop your brain from having brilliant ideas. Your age does not put an end to the grit that goes into your work ethic. Your age does not affect the miracle that is your pure talent. You are the sum of every day of your life. Take risks, go outside the norm, beat the odds and you will never be outdated.

THE TIME I TOLD BROADWAY ‘NO’

FEBRUARY 25, 2022

I vividly remember the time I told the casting directors that I would not be coming back for the final audition of the The Music Man on Broadway. It was down to myself and one other girl for the role of Amaryllis, and I told them I didn’t want to move to New York City and leave behind the dance studio I was competing at. I was 9 years old. Give me a break.

It is, however, slightly nauseating to think about where I could be in my career right now if I had gone to that last audition; if I had followed the likes of Ariana Grande and Britney Spears and gotten my start on Broadway. But I was a kid and my parents left the decision for me to make… and I chose my precious dance classes with my friends. What I didn’t realize then is that I was also choosing getting asked to school dances and getting stood up at the after party. I was choosing going to Friday night football games in the freezing cold with hot chocolate from Wawa, then getting drunk in my friend’s basement. I was choosing sneaking out of the downstairs window of my parents house to go to my cute neighbor up the street’s house to make out. But the craziest thing is that I think I still ended up in the same place. Creating and performing music for a living. And yea, maybe I would have had a few more accomplishments under my belt at this point if I had started my career at 9, but when is “the start” of a career anyway? Personally, I would say my career started at birth. My mom would beg to differ though; she would say it started in her womb with all those high kicks I was doing. 

The point is, as much as I regretted saying ‘no’ to those casting directors in my teenage years, I’ve still made it here, where I am living out my dream and pursuing every facet of my passions. Something inside me at 9 years old knew I needed a few more years of that magical, youthful nostalgia before moving to Los Angeles. And those memories are what ground me to this day. 

I should Google who played Amaryllis and see what she’s doing now… 

Ambiversion

January 26, 2022

I live in a house with three other women who have become my best friends over the years. We eat together, laugh together, cry together, party together, complain together. We build each other up, support each other’s dreams, validate each other’s feelings. Fuck, I could do anything with these women by my side. They have single handedly restored my faith in being a part of a sisterhood. All that being said, sometimes the noise is mind-numbingly loud. Not the kind of noise you can measure in decibels, but the kind that sizzles in your brain, like little indistinguishable voices. 

There is a good explanation for why this happens though… We are all young, self-made, career-driven women, working daily at carving out deep grooves in our respective fields for fuck’s sake. One of us is bound to be on the verge of a mental breakdown at any given moment. And sometimes, it’s all four of us. One thing I’ve noticed about myself in recent months is that I have a tendency to take on other peoples emotions. Whether it be frustration, anxiety, anger, etc., I internalize them as if they’re my own. It’s like empathy on crack and I end up walking around so full of everyone else that it’s hard to find myself. That’s when I realized, even though I am happiest being around other people, my spirit desperately craves the warm, familiar feeling of being alone. Just me, eating, laughing, crying, BEING. I end up longing for time spent with the one person who has known me the longest. Myself. 

So tonight, I made my dinner and took it into my room where I ate in silence. No television or scrolling the internet as a distraction from myself. And, almost immediately, I felt whole again. Sometimes I forget that I need my attention too, even if it’s just quality time in my bedroom alone.

Apple Pie Cucumber Skydiving Lithuania

January 16, 2022

They say you fall in love slowly and then all at once, and, for me, the process of starting this blog happened sort of like that, but also not exactly. I actually didn’t think about it at all until a few days ago when I thought to myself, “yeah I’m gonna start a blog.” And here we are…

I’ve never heard of an artist/songwriter writing a blog before. Not that someone hasn’t done it, I just haven’t heard about it. So I figured, ‘hey, why not?!’ I like to journal in a stream of consciousness type of way, so I can just do that, leave out the parts where I talk in circles, and then post it for the entire Internet to read (if they want to). I don’t claim to be the best at what I do, nowhere near it in fact, but I think being an artist and songwriter is a fascinating career choice… mostly because of how fucking horrible the music industry is and why anybody would actually CHOOSE to subject themselves to its archaism must mean there’s either some sort of magic that exists inside of it, or that that person is literally mentally unwell; both of which make for an exciting read. 

I’ll be honest though, I’m actually not even writing this. I’m doing voice-to-text as l lay in my bed. I was on the verge of falling asleep when the first sentence just popped into my head. “Shit. Well, I better get this down then.” This is often when I get inspiration for song lyrics; that moment in between being awake and dreamland where, I guess, maybe my inhibitions are lowered, or my judgment is gone, and ideas are just passing through my brain as it’s getting ready for whatever wild, subconscious adventure it’s about to go on. That moment is actual magic. So, Dear Apple, thank you for voice-to-text. Opening up my eyes to type this out is absolutely too much for me right now. I wish I could do all of my writing sessions like this. I just know the songs created would be crazy. If there is a drug out there that induces this type of experience, someone please let me know. (sorry mom) Hopefully, when I wake up tomorrow and read this over it’s coherent and my phone didn’t turn all of my words into complete gibberish like “Apple pie cucumber skydiving Lithuania”.